Spring is fast approaching, which means one thing. Like your inebriated uncle at the last family reunion, flu season is going to inflict as much possible damage on its way out (and maybe urinate on your front lawn.)
But don’t worry, I’m here to hold your hand and walk you through each step in surviving these troubling times. You may want to wash your hand, though.
The first step is to contract the flu. While this may sound complicated, it is actually incredibly easy. For instance, breathe air. Or shake hands with a sick person. Or look at a sick person.
Once you’ve contracted the plague – I mean flu – start preparing for the days ahead. A last will and testament is a good place to start.
Now, people will tell you to stockpile fluids and imbibe them as much as possible, but this is the worst possible thing to do. See, drinking fluids means you have to dispose of fluids. Normally this task requires minimal effort especially if you stockpiled adult diapers like I did, other than the usual accuracy problems. However, when you have the flu, one of the first things that happens is your sense of balance is converted into phlegm. So the area of your brain normally responsible for making you walk without running into walls and trampling house pets decides to forgo its usual responsibilities and begin mass-producing treacle in your sinuses.
This disability makes taking care of “No. One” a very difficult procedure, especially if accuracy has never really been your thing. Some of you smart-alecky females out there may say “No. One” is easily taken care of while in a sitting position. To which I reply: I can’t walk straight in the direction I’m facing, so what makes you think I can turn my back on something and perform a complicated action like sitting down with any hope of accuracy? Let’s just say I got uncomfortably familiar with the corner of the bathroom countertop.
I finally found the perfect solution by taking a few feet of leftover rain gutter from the garage and duct-taping it directly to the edge of the couch. I probably should have put a bucket or something at the end, but hey, I was sick – you can’t expect perfection.
The next order of business is to develop a crippling headache, such that everyday functions like bathing, watching TV and playing N64 for eight-hour stretches become unbearable. You may think being too sick to eat, sleep, watch TV or play video games is reason enough for suicide, but hold in there, because the hallucinations are about to start.
As you lay on the couch, muttering incoherently at your roommates to kill you, the compounded lack of sleep and sustenance will begin taking its toll on your perception of reality. It may start with small things, like daytime television starting to seem well done or the animated Esurance girl suddenly becoming wildly attractive, but things will start to get crazy really soon. I spent an entire night convinced I was plotting a jewelry heist in Paris. Unfortunately, I couldn’t plan that well because everything kept shattering into pieces and I’d have to spend hours putting it back together like a jigsaw puzzle.
That still made more sense than the next hallucination, which involved me coaching the Dallas Cowboys. I don’t even like football! I figure if I’m going to watch large, sweaty, muscular men make body contact, I’ll watch professional wrestling so I can at least have a good laugh.
Which brings me to another important note. Apparently there is some unbreakable universal law stating that hallucinations must be lame. Why? Why is it that you can’t ever hallucinate something awesome, like say, that you’re coaching the Dallas Cowboys…cheerleaders?
I guess I shouldn’t complain. I seem to remember the cartoon Esurance girl being involved in some way with the jewelry heist. For the record, the Esurance girl is the most wildly attractive woman on television and I would have her little cartoon babies were it not contrary to the laws of nature and the FCC.
At about this time, your supply of tissues should have begun to run dry (though “run dry” is probably not the most appropriate phrase for the situation.) You’ll move on to toilet paper, paper towels, regular towels, pets who were in the wrong place at the wrong time…entire rainforests will be depleted to supply your flu. Let me save you hours of experimentation and give you the economical, eco-friendly solution right now: the amazing combination blanket/tissue.
That’s not to say it’s all bad. You’ve just spent a week on the “flu diet program.” That’s right, no food and constant coughing has given you a six-pack. Look at your sexy self!