Haven’t got a clue what you want to do after you finish school? Get a business minor. Scared of what your parents will think if you only get a degree in philosophy? Get a business minor. Decent in every field, but not necessarily great in any single one? Guess what, you’re a business minor.
Do you see a trend here? The business minor attracts students from all corners of campus because it’s so applicable while somehow still failing to develop any sort of robust skill set.
That’s right! The business minor was precisely crafted around three key pillars — procrastination, presentation and pretend.
Procrastinate doing any amount of work because it’s all relative anyway. Always present yourself in formal fashion because while you may not work at a Fortune 500 company, you might as well practice putting on a suit and tie. Business students who pair a blazer with bleached jeans, we get our inspiration from you.
Finally, above all else, pretend. Don’t know what the hell you’re talking about? The solution is simple: just throw in a few buzzwords like ‘synergy’ and ‘ROI.’ I’m sure you’ll still get the Packback points.
Personally, I’m fond of the independence and hands-off approach Mays perpetuates by allowing students to navigate the rocky waters of entire courses by their lonesome.
In between the lines of the copious amount of PDFs, you will be consistently reminded of how unimportant your time really is. You see, Mays has mastered the ability to negate the lecture component of learning entirely.
This ensures that you’ll spend triple the amount of time actively trying to comprehend the material as you would have otherwise during class. For your benefit, of course.
It’s not like there have been any studies to show this method is less effective than being in the actual buildings and state of the art classrooms our tuition finances.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, college isn’t about studying under a professor’s guidance or forming relationships with fellow students who could potentially be lifelong friends.
No, if COVID-19 taught us anything, college is about sitting down and logging on to your Pearson e-textbook and teaching yourself the material. Forget the people who learn better face-to-face or have ADHD. They should just drop out entirely.
Think of it this way, if Mays is going to pretend to offer the same quality of education to business minors as they do with their majors, what’s to stop you from pretending to put forth the same amount of effort as you do in your other classes?
This is without mentioning there are probably close to 700 other students in any given section whom you can’t actively communicate with unless it’s proctored via Packback.
“Do you mean I won’t have a professor to regularly speak with on top of not being able to contact other students who might have questions about the same things as me?” Yes! However, think of this as a way to test your knowledge on a foreign subject all while being rigorously scored.
Still not sold? What if I told you by taking the business minor, you would also be improving your love life?
Guys, you can finally tap into your full potential and become a finance bro. Trust me when I say that women love hearing unsolicited stock advice or how they should really start diversifying their portfolio.
Follow in the footsteps of the men before you and justify why liking the film “The Wolf of Wall Street” is most certainly not your rationale for choosing this minor.
As for the ladies, you can finally learn the importance of subtle business nuances.
For example, finding out firsthand just how common it is to be spoken over in meetings or have your ideas completely disregarded. You likely won’t be taken as seriously, but hey at least you’re challenging the status quo.
So what are you waiting for? If you’re not enrolled in the business minor, I suggest you declare soon.
Benjamin Barnes is a telecommunications junior and opinion writer for The Battalion