Make no mistake: all people start out as bad texters. It’s inevitable, and I’m sure we can agree that we were probably all very annoying when we got our first phones. Most grow out of that sooner, others later. I grew out of it later.
That sucks for me, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably too good at texting. Maybe you don’t like that guy who always has to text you every night (but only after midnight). Or maybe you want to get rid of this girl who is constantly bothering you with one text after the other, blowing up your phone at the most inconvenient moments (why can’t she just put it all in one message?).
Nonetheless, your effortless charisma and texting charm keep them on the hook, no matter what you say or do. Blocking them would be too rude, obviously, so you can’t do that.
I’m here to fix your problem.
In a few easy steps, I’m going to show you how to get rid of your situationship in ten days or less. Make no mistake, you may cringe, you may struggle to hit send or you may not even be able to go through with my plan at all. But I can guarantee — from personal experience no less — that if you faithfully follow this plan, whoever is on the other end of the line will never want to speak to you again.
DAY 1: START DOING RWR (READ, WAIT, REPLY)
This first tip is absurdly obvious to most of us, but if you’re so cluelessly good at texting that you haven’t even thought of this, it’s important to know. You should ALWAYS leave read receipts on when texting. Why? Because you need to establish one fact very clearly: other people’s texts are not your problem. You probably have the instinct to be nice and reply to any texts you get fairly quickly, but that’s not a good idea when you’re trying to get ghosted. Instead, do this: read the text (with read receipts on), wait at least 5 or 6 hours, and then reply. It’s a simple thing to do, but it will help make the other person start questioning if you’re interested and get the ball rolling on your future ghosting.
DAY 2: VOCABULARY LESSON: OK, YEAH, AND NO
An important part of being a good texter is responding to texts completely and thoroughly. Instead, start day 2 by learning these three words: ok, yeah and no. These words will now comprise 50% of your vocabulary. Let me give you an example:
Them: “Hey, how were your classes today”
You: “Ok”
Them: “yeah classes weren’t great for me either. My professor started off the class with a random pop quiz. Like WTF? you don’t just give random pop quizzes on the second day of class. At least let us read the syllabus lmao”
You: “yeah” (maybe add lol for a touch of humor)
It’s simple. Don’t show interest and you won’t get interest. Honestly, you might get someone to ghost you just by using more “ok” “yeah” and “no” than they want to bear. But you probably still need the other steps.
DAY 3: TIKTOK SPAM
You probably know someone who seems like they live their life on TikTok or Instagram Reels. How do you know this? Because they let you know. These people spend hours a day watching, curating and sending videos to you, often with no context or relevance to anything you say or do.
They may be annoying to you, but take a page from their playbook and use it to your advantage. Spam your situationship partner with constant TikToks and Reels that are confusing, irrelevant or — even better — disturbing.
The best part about this is that you can ignore what I told you on day one when sending these videos. Literally any time works. Send them at all hours, in all circumstances and in all forms.
DAY 4: INTERESTING QUESTIONS
By this point, whoever you want to ghost you has probably become confused and irritated. But if they really like you, maybe they’re still holding on to some hope. The one thing that bothers hopeless romantics the most is mixed signals, so that’s what you’re going to give them.
Start the day by asking questions. Here’s the catch though: your questions have to be specific yet also boring. You have to sound interested at first, but ultimately your questions have to lead to nowhere. If they ask you a follow-up question or say “what about you?,” you have to answer as nonchalantly as you can. Ideally, it will be with one of the words I taught you on day 2. This will give the person just enough hope to think that maybe there’s still a chance, but confuse them enough to frustrate them even more.
DAY 5: …
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Don’t say anything today.
DAY 6: I’M SO SORRY
Begin this day with an overly verbose and extreme apology. To make it easy on you, I have included three quotes that you should have in your first text of the day:
“Omg im so sorry, I didn’t even realize you texted me yesterday.”
“i know I’ve been acting weird recently, ive just felt off. I don’t know what it is but i just have felt out of it. Im sorry lol”
“I do like you and I think it’s great when we hang out. maybe we should set something up in person?”
Of course, these three things are also true:
You saw their text. They know it, I know it and you know it.
You don’t feel off at all, you just don’t care.
You are busy next week. And the week after that. And the one after that. And so on.
You can also send other apologies throughout the day. The point of these messages is to make the person you’re talking to mad while taking advantage of their politeness. They feel obligated to accept your apology, but you’re aware that it’s not really sincere at all. It’s a genius strategy, but I think there are still a few more steps.
DAY 7: DAY 5
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Refer back to Day 5
DAY 8: APOLOGIES ROUND 2
Today will be a lot like day 6, but you’re going to double down on the apologies. Make your apology twice as intense. Promise that you’ll get a day lined up to hang out. Tell them you’re for real this time. Really, you can say anything in order to get them to believe you.
However, they probably won’t believe what you’re saying. That’s ok, and it’s probably preferable. Almost 99% of people will probably have stopped talking to you at this point. In that case, you’ve succeeded! But if not, don’t despair; the next two days will be sure to permanently put a stop to things.
DAY 9: ENTER YOUR DETECTIVE ERA
This day is the first one that starts at midnight. Begin by dressing in all black. Make sure to bring a camera, hood, trenchcoat and a car that isn’t very loud (or you can walk). Park around the block and pay a visit to wherever the person who is texting you lives. Make sure to take photos of as much as you can: the person’s house/apartment/dorm, their front door, any windows they might have and their mailbox. Do not cause any disturbances.
Once the person wakes up, send a nice good morning message. Then, casually ask them where they live. They’ll probably tell you the name of the apartment complex or the general area where they are. Respond by sending them your photos and asking if that’s where their place is.
For some reason, people don’t like when you take pictures of their stuff at night. Honestly, it’s something I still don’t get. If you can’t stop texting me, I’m going to do something about it.
DAY 10: CONGRATULATIONS!
By this point, you should have been ghosted! Congratulations! You have successfully completed my ten-day guide!
Maybe there’s one person in the world who’s still willing to text you after all of this. If that’s the case, you probably should just marry them or something. Clearly, there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Whatever the case, it’s not my problem.
