Ladies, gentlemen and anyone else that gets left out by the first two designations, I bring to you today a problem so terrifying, so disturbing, I may actually have to make a wardrobe change before I go on.
Parking.
No other word strikes such fear into my heart and that of my dry cleaner as parking (well, maybe booga booga.)
Parking has developed into an irrational blood sport on campus, with its own cutthroat rules and traditions. Survival is a matter of kill or be killed, but if you keep your wits about you and know your enemy, victory is not entirely out of your reach.
The first thing to keep in mind is your location on campus, because each locale has its own particular variation of rules. For instance, the most cutthroat area available is the parking lot immediately outside the Student Recreation Center. Contestants engage in an action known as “snaking,” the slow patrolling of the parking lot searching for a spot. Though its legality is still in dispute, many of these snakers even resort to stalking pedestrians as they walk out of the Rec. Realizing that an automobile is mirroring your movement on the sidewalk is a rather uneasy feeling. Sometimes just to mess with these people I like to walk to the wrong car and then try to unlock it repeatedly, before turning and trying the one next to it and on down the line.
However, just because you’ve successfully stalked someone to his or her spot doesn’t mean you can seize it for yourself. That’s right, while you’re busy conscientiously keeping your bumper an inch and a half away from a pedestrian’s calves; some other snake is slithering into your spot.
But fear not, thorough understandings of the enemies you will be facing will more than even the odds. The most prevalent and in many ways nefarious is the omnipresent ninja-white Jetta. Its standard mode of operation is well known to any student parking on Northgate. Just as you begin backing into a space, the Jetta materializes behind you using unique patented Volkswagen technology, complete with an 80-year-old grandmother stepping out of it (don’t be fooled, that’s standard with the 2009.) And just when you are about to lose your patience, the corner of your eye catches movement in the distance. The hunt is on.
Of course, the next enemy is far less subtle. You know who you are; Mr. Over-amped Monster Truck who threatens to run over people to get to the spot. Except that he’ll get his because some little ninja Jetta will dart in just before him. Where the Jetta relies on speed, size and strategically deployed grandmas, Mr. Over-amped Monster Trucks relies on the fact an entire Jetta could fit in each of his wheel wells. Seriously, are there so many mountain ranges between here and class that you need all that ground clearance and front winches for?
Of course, the absolute worst offender is that tiny little Euro-styled Smart Car. The first time I saw it, I thought someone had left out a grocery cart. A quick double take revealed that it was in fact a “smart car” parked across two parking spaces. I swear every time I see these things, I check for a “batteries not included” stick on the side. What the heck is the point of having a birdhouse-sized car, if you’re going to turn around and park across enough space for a battleship? Although, I suppose if I had something that small, I’d take extra precautions. Like maybe a bike lock so nobody walks off with it.