I recently discovered that one of my daily routines – a task I have been doing this way as long as I can remember – is unnaturally, even dangerously wrong. And the worst part of it is that Texas A&M University not only supports, but openly facilitates this self-destructive act.
Walk into any of the on-campus restroom facilities and you will see standard appliances arranged in a seemingly harmless manner. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. These appliances, purchased and provided by our school, are responsible for sickness and death across the Western world!
I discovered this during the never-ending journalistic task of finding weird stuff on the Internet to write about. Three simple words leaped off the screen and forever rocked my conception of basic human behavior: “SQUAT – DON’T SIT!!!”
The article, written by kinesiologist Stephanie Relfe, went on to explain how modern Western toilets are the cause of every physical ailment from hemorrhoids to blood toxicity. See, while we were all busy building nuclear missiles and rising to world-powerdom, the rest of the world was perfecting the fine art of relieving oneself.
Outside of Western countries, toilets are of a radically different design. As Relfe describes, restrooms in other countries are “fully lined with tiles. In the middle is a gutter…On the side there is a tap and a bucket (no toilet paper).” I started to send a hastily written e-mail to Relfe warning that her “Eastern toilet” was in fact the men’s room floor, but then saw photographic proof of the bizarre device she was describing.
The “Eastern toilet” is essentially a hole in the ground with non-slip foot-grips on either side. There’s no sitting, just squatting. Fortunately, this position is not only “natural” but also prevents cancer. See, the “canal is unstraightened when seated” because the “puborectalis muscle ‘chokes’ the rectum.” The squatting position relaxes the puborectalis muscle’s homicidal tendencies and straightens the canal, allowing for full “evacuation” and avoiding Western toilet-caused problems such as colon cancer and “fecal stagnation.” Until reading this article, I didn’t even know I had a puborectalis muscle, much less that it had been molesting me all these years.
But don’t just take her word for it. Renaud, a “25-year-old French guy,” writes in his endorsement of the Eastern technique: (for a more genuine experience, please read the following quotes in the voice of the French peas from Veggie Tales) “I was always feeling that I was not completely empty…First I tried to sit the other way, like I was riding the toilet. It helped a little bit but not significantly.” But then he stumbled upon Relfe’s inspiring article: “I just couldn’t evacuate in the regular position, but surprisingly, at the same moment, I had no problem when balancing up, squatting on the toilet!!!” Renaud was so grateful and fully evacuated that he went on to state “Thank you…I am going to send your article to my family!”
Before you go spreading this astounding discovery to all your relations, you should know that converting to the Eastern technique has its dangers, namely, you’ll fall off the toilet and smash your brains out. For this reason, Relfe has several suggestions on how to better accommodate your new-found practice. While mere amateurs may be happy with a strategically placed foot stool or piling “bricks around your toilet (make sure they are safe and sturdy),” true masters of the Eastern technique will take the time, money and effort to purchase an “adapter” from Nature’s Platform.
Nature’s Platform is an online company catering to needs of the growing squatter population here in Western-toilet dominated America. As their website tells you, “Two-thirds of humanity use the squatting position to answer the call of nature. In those cultures, appendicitis, diverticulosis, hemorrhoids, colitis, prostate disorders and colon cancer are virtually unknown…” (Because everyone is too busy dying at the average age of 26.) The platform itself is a raised U-shaped foot board that fits around the Western toilet. Jonathan Isbit and Wallace Bowles (seriously), the inventors, are endorsed by a number of world-renowned specialist and professionals, including: (I swear I have not fabricated any of this) four yoga instructors, one “Doctor of Oriental Medicine,” Dr. Akilah El, ND Ph.D., operator of celestialhealing.net, and Dr. Sir Peter William Edwards, author of “Happiness Is a Regular Complete Bowel Motion,” not to mention Sydney Ross Singer and Soma Grismaijer, authors of “Dressed To Kill: The Link Between Breast Cancer and Bras,” another suicidal Western invention.
After this amazing discovery, I sat in a state of shock and horror for 15 minutes until I realized I was probably getting type II diabetes and/or radiation poisoning, and quickly switched to squatting in a state of shock and horror. I found this position to be much more natural and healthy, although I quickly lost my balance and smashed my head on the floor.
When I came to, I felt that with the massive amounts of brain damage had also come a change of heart. Wasn’t this the way people were intended to evacuate? Wasn’t the Western toilet a pretentious imposition on the natural order of things?
One need only look at the current state of the campus public restrooms to see that technology has gone too far. Not only have we created rectum-choking, fecal-stagnating, cancer-causing Western toilets, but we’ve equipped them with motion sensors! There’s a “Terminator 2” scenario if ever I saw one. Let’s take the most dangerous invention of our civilization and automate it.
Furthermore, in typical Western “more is better” philosophy, we have put flushing devices in our toilets that are capable of draining small lakes in a single go. Not only does it flush everything in the toilet, it flushes anything that comes too close: stray animals, small children, the frail and the elderly, my baseball hat – nothing is safe. Just in case this is not enough, the toilet finishes you off by sending enough water to irrigate all of Morocco spurting up in an Old Faithful-style geyser. I’ve seen Shamu make smaller waves.
This was manageable when I could hit the lever and then dash outside of the Sea-World-style splash zone, but now we have equipped these things with automated “motion sensors.” By “motion sensor,” they mean “will do nothing at all to dispose of the dead cat the person just before you left behind, but if you sneeze whilst taking care of your business, will attempt to irrigate the entire Arabian peninsula via your bum.”
So I, for one, welcome the discovery of the Eastern toilet. Too long has A&M been spreading death and discomfort. I call for the immediate installation of eco-friendly, cancer-preventing, non-geyser-spouting squat toilets in all campus bathrooms.
For those of you who want to learn more, read Relfe’s article at www.relfe.com/toilet_seat_constipation.html or visit www.naturesplatform.com.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find some bricks.
James Cavin is a sophomore English major.