Here it is! If you see your favorite film, grab your pitchfork and light that torch, because it’s time for the worst movies of the year.
1) EnvyThis one’s easy. How could a movie directed by Barry Levinson (“Rain Man”) starring Jack Black, Ben Stiller and Christopher Walken be such a terrible movie? I have a dangerously low humor threshold, but I only managed a feeble “meh” for the entire sloppy showing. Now I know why they were giving away tickets at the gym.
2) Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”You just don’t get this movie.” “You don’t understand ‘art noir.'” “This is bubblegum and you just need to relax.” I’ve heard all the excuses, but this movie was still mindless and irritating. If I ever hear someone say “Atta’boy, Dex!” near me I’ll punch them. “Sky Captain” barely managed to earn back 50 percent of its total cost after worldwide release. That’s a disaster. I hope those pretentious art noir jerks learn their lesson.
3) Before SunsetThe prequel “Before Sunrise” was captivating. Unfortunately, what charm the prequel exer-
cised was conspicuously absent from the sequel. “Before Sunset” brought Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy back together to answer the question, did they reunite after that romantic night? After watching “Sunset” I couldn’t give a tiny rat’s rump. There was no innocence, there was no charm; instead, there were angry, miserable people who hated their lives and wanted to cheat on their spouses and lovers.
4) King ArthurFrankly, I look more like King Arthur than Clive Owen, who looked more primal than regal in this butchered, “Bad Boys”-meets-“Lord of the Rings” stink fest. To quote one critic, “The term ‘unintentional comedy’ was coined for a movie such as this.”
The action was bland, the story unforgivable and the romance so painfully contrived that I’m convinced Lancelot and Arthur had a better shot as life partners. But like any good Jerry Bruckheimer film, there’s a plethora of pyrotechnics.
5) TroyI don’t blame Brad Pitt for this mess. The concept was just too big and the film too misguided for control. Director Wolfgang Petersen seemed so interested in making it big, bigger and biggest that he glossed over character development. I’m not saying “Troy” was particularly bad, just that it was the hospital food of historical epics.