Satire: Meet Mr. Schlossnagle

A not-so-friendly ode to Mr. Schlossnagle
Texas A&M Head Coach Jim Schlossnagle reacts to a call during Texas A&M’s game against Georgia at Olsen Field on Saturday, April 27, 2024. (CJ Smith/The Battalion)
Texas A&M Head Coach Jim Schlossnagle reacts to a call during Texas A&M’s game against Georgia at Olsen Field on Saturday, April 27, 2024. (CJ Smith/The Battalion)
Photo by CJ Smith

Dear Texas University,

I’m sorry that man is your coach, let me be honest

It takes a man to be a man, unfortunately, he’s a con artist

I look at him and wish he never would’ve donned the Maroon and White

Lying through his teeth and leaving in the dead of night 

To Austin he goes now and y’all can really have him 

Just keep in mind, he’ll leave whether it’s going good or looking grim

Leaving teams is his staple

This is the real him, meet Mr. Schlossnagle

 

Dear Aggie baseball players,

Going to battle with each other this postseason

Coming so close to success, I hope y’all will listen to reason

His foot was out the door way before the final three games

Playing unknowingly against your own coach, he has no shame

For those staying, I applaud y’all for toughing it out

For those leaving, I pray the best for y’all on the next route

Honor the Aggie core values and preserve this

Respect, excellence, leadership, loyalty, integrity and selfless service

Yes he’s a coach of the year, won numerous games and been to the College World Series

And a deadbeat Aggie who should be erased from our memories

 

Dear Coach Schlossnagle,

Why did you have to stoop so low to discredit Mr. Zane?

In front of millions of eyeballs, what did you have to gain?

Why did you have to bring Mr. Elko into this?

Supporting you and the team every step of the way, that shot was amiss

The trip back to College Station was supposed to be a celebration of the team

Yet you made it all about you and took it away from the players it seems

An Aggie does not lie, cheat or steal or tolerate those who do

Broke every single one, you and your crew

There’s nothing else that us Aggies can say more

Just don’t hit your head on your way out the door

 

– Chendrick Lamar

View Comments (26)
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Comments (26)

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  • M

    Marcie D '97Jul 2, 2024 at 11:43 am

    Four days later, the sting has worn off. So excited for Michael Earley and all of the boys who have decided to stay. I’m not mad that he left for more money. It’s the WAY he left. Deceitful, arrogant and rained on what should have been a HUGE celebratory parade. Turns out he wasn’t an Aggie. Just merely an employee. So glad our team of AGGIES is coming back with just as much talent, positivity and energy for 2024-2025. So excited for both Mikes! #WELIKEMIKE

    Reply
  • V

    Vernie MarshallJul 2, 2024 at 8:32 am

    We’re without a doubt much better off without him… and we’ll be just fine now the dust has settled and now let’s move on and forget about him !! Gig em !

    Reply
  • R

    Raul tJun 29, 2024 at 4:55 pm

    You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves for giving this man such a hard time. He has a god-given right to give his family A Better Living. You have no proof that he lied cheated or stole. He gave his all like any other coach would to get their team to the championship. The bottom line is they were beaten by a better team, tennessee. To whine about it is to be a sore loser. He was offered a better opportunity, you would do the same if you were over a better opportunity at your current job, that is if you’re working

    Reply
    • R

      Robert UlrichJun 30, 2024 at 4:08 am

      What the heck are you talking about????
      Are you serious??? No proof that he lied or cheated?? The proof is in his PUBLIC actions. And NO, I would NOT do the same, and neither would most respectable people. You must be in his pocket to post such a ridiculous statement. Everyone knows who the real Schloss is now. Even YOU.

      Reply
  • R

    R TJun 29, 2024 at 4:51 pm

    Wow, you guys need to get a life. This man was offered a job an opportunity to give his family a better living. Why in his right mind would he turn down the offer?. Who gives you the right to stand there and say he didn’t give his best to try to get his team through the playoffs? Who makes you that judge?Bottom line they were beaten by a better team. He has a God-given right to take care of his family. You ought to respect him for what he did for the team. You wouldn’t be this angry if it was any other university other than UT

    Reply
  • R

    R TJun 29, 2024 at 4:46 pm

    Wow, you guys need to get a life. This man was offered a job an opportunity to give his family a better living. Wine is right mind we turn the offer down. Who gives you the right to stand there and say he didn’t give us best to try to get his team through the playoffs? Bottom line there will be by better team. He has a god-given ride take care of his family. You ought to respect them for what he did for the team. You wouldn’t be this angry if it was any other university other than UT

    Reply
  • T

    TrishJun 28, 2024 at 2:52 pm

    Nicely/well said my friend! Such a shame/a sham, feel so deeply bad for the Team! They did everything right and he only brought disappointment as to how he handled it! So long, good bye, see ya later and pray when you come back to Aggieland next spring that you will experience what a true Aggie is!!

    Reply
  • R

    RyanJun 28, 2024 at 10:07 am

    Awww, little brother is mad and jelous that big brother wins again. Schlossnagle was your only hope at a national championship. Was it 1939 when yall last won a national championship in any of the big 3 sports? I understand why you are so angry. This guy was your chance and your hope to escape irrelevancy and mediocracy. He was your savior. Now, his coaching staff is leaving to greener pastures with him and there’s an exodus of players leaving as well. Back to irrelevancy again. Must be really tough. I feel for you Chendick.

    Reply
    • R

      RolfJun 28, 2024 at 12:53 pm

      Yeah, little brother doesn’t lie, cheat, or steal! I guess they forgot the jackie sherrill years and their probation in 1994, which should have been the death penalty! What a two faced bunch of punks! Hook’em!!

      Reply
    • R

      Randy JohnsonJun 29, 2024 at 10:31 am

      We’re not jealous of a school with an emasculated mascot… and we don’t burn our colors. WTF is ‘burnt’ orange?? Lmfao

      Reply
    • H

      Help Ryan Learn To SpellJun 29, 2024 at 1:48 pm

      I never understood why tu is so wrapped up wanting to be our sister. We’re not jealous and you can’t spell. It’s not all about sports. You are the school who protested like children against Israel. Calling police officers pigs. Telling them to get off our campus. Well sisters, it’s not your campus. The tu campus is owned by the taxpayers in the great state of Texas. Learn to spell, get informed. That might allow you to fill out all the forms for unemployment.

      Reply
    • B

      Brian Vroom '81Jun 29, 2024 at 2:57 pm

      This doesn’t deserve a response, but trolls like you will always be trolls. “Big” brother got its mascot name from Aggies (check 13-0), is a younger little brother in date of opening and undergraduate and graduate size. There are more former students (“alumni”). more faculty, more Academic All-Americans, more National Merit Scholars (I was one), A&M was the first in Texas to surpass $1 billion in research, and has ~25,000 engineering students (“Big” brother is more known as a very good liberal arts university – but apparently from reading your posts I surmise you did not attend there or else you did not avail yourself of English, Philosophy, or general education courses or you would have come across as an EDUCATED TROLL instead of a troglodyte). As I am preaching to the choir since you are on to greener pastures (mom’s basement? another trolling expedition?), I would add that after the Senior Academies, TAMU is the top Senior College of military schools, with statistics like 20,000 Aggies serving in WW2 with 14,000 officers, in everything from Doolittle’s Raid to scaling cliffs with the Rangers at Normandy (that’s in France, btw – can’t assume you would know Pointe du Hoc or Utah and Omaha beaches). And for every Nat Champ t.u. has earned (yes, they have had great success in sports), I would gladly forego the sports honors and bragging rights for lifelong memories and experiences – answering “here” multiple times at Muster, the minor key taps to 3 directions at Silver Taps, working cut/stack/push on Bonfire, standing for the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band at halftime, singing Spirit and 12th Man, getting my Aggie Ring, and now just walking the campus and remembering. Even the Northgate playlist at the Chicken is more valuable to me than bragging rights in football or baseball (but we did beat the ‘horns 3 of 4 while I was a student and afterward went to 4 Cotton Bowls in a row – I was at every one). For all the insults trolls like you think you can use to “get” us, all true Ags know something you never will – “From the outside looking in you can’t understand it; from the inside looking out you can’t explain it”. This proverb is still true, though times are changing and it is getting diluted. The Aggie Code of Honor, the Core Values, the Traditions – they are in danger of eroding and losing their “salt”. It used to be “2%ers” – now I am sad to say it is much larger. I was blessed to be a non-reg living on campus – it changed my life, and I could have gone to ANY college in this country. Including that school in Austin. God blessed my path, and the broken road I traveled to get to A&M and in the years since, and I am so grateful for the chance to belong to the 12th Man for life – and to pass it down to my children.

      Reply
      • P

        Patti VanJun 30, 2024 at 5:46 pm

        I guess Texas and Rice named the new Ivies was lost on you. What starts here changes the World! Hook ‘em! And see you in November

        Reply
    • J

      JRoeJun 29, 2024 at 4:22 pm

      Dang, “big brother,” y’all don’t have anything to read over there in wierdsville? You have to troll and shoot from the keyboard in someone else’s house? You and The Schlong will get along great. Both cowards and flaccid, useless body parts.

      Reply
    • N

      NathanJul 2, 2024 at 3:21 pm

      Think you might’ve spouted your nonsense a couple of days Earley ;).

      Earley is coming back and is bringing one of the shorthorn assistants back with him, not to mention that ALL of the relevant players that entered the portal are returning. Don’t be made though…you still have Schloss and your crappy team from last year. 🙂

      Reply
  • J

    J Kevin Bean '74Jun 27, 2024 at 3:06 pm

    As a former Student Publications guy (AGGIELAND and BATT), I am so proud to see The Battalion taking this stand, especially during summer school when so few are on campus. The method in which he and DeConte orchestrated this was clearly to cause the most consternation to the fan base and to devastation to our baseball program. May they rot in Hell.

    Reply
  • S

    S. GriderJun 27, 2024 at 2:44 pm

    Bye, Felicia, Karen, and jim.

    Reply
  • T

    Tracy MahoneyJun 27, 2024 at 12:30 pm

    Well said Gig em and god bless

    Reply
  • R

    Rodney HillJun 27, 2024 at 12:12 pm

    I may not be an Aggie but never went to college . I have always love the traditions the corp and the steadfast patriotism to this school by alumni until the day they die. So sorry yall had to put up with that coach. He was dishonorable to everyone especially those young men who went to battle for him for the honor of their school. On to better coaches Aggies!

    Reply
  • B

    Brett WebbJun 27, 2024 at 9:49 am

    One of the best things I have read in The Batt in a long time. And so true.

    Reply
  • G

    GAVJun 27, 2024 at 9:48 am

    His legacy will be the bold face lie he told. Hope his future team(S) can trust him. I sure wouldn’t. #AggieMomProud

    Reply
  • J

    JoeJun 27, 2024 at 12:17 am

    I guess this opinion is to be expected when somebody feels betrayed. They lash out. I get that. I wonder how aggies would feel if he had decided to leave a few days later and had not done it in such an underhanded way. I can only imagine that the sentiment would be similar because fans have convinced themselves that coaches are fans too. This has never been the case. They are employees of the university and go where the job takes them. Unfortunately now players are basically the same. The new world of college sports.

    Reply
  • B

    Big'n VeeJun 26, 2024 at 9:14 pm

    Very nice opinion. I’m in Ohio and not a baseball fan and think he’s a maggot.

    Reply
  • J

    Joan WhiteleyJun 26, 2024 at 4:57 pm

    Amen!

    Reply
  • P

    Phil BrustJun 26, 2024 at 4:49 pm

    Slimenagle has a huge ego and a small penis. Now I can’t get past the way he smirked throughout his press conference. You are very correct! He bailed on TCU. He bailed on his marriage. He bailed on us. I regret the renovations to Blue Bell Park took so long, but they will happen. Slimenagle did not get the AD he wanted and apparently could not handle that. He was about to be the highest paid coach in college baseball. He hurt our Team by paying more attention to his betrayal of us than coaching our Team. We almost won without him. I sincerely hope Karma gives him all that he deserves.

    Reply
  • S

    Shalina SabihJun 26, 2024 at 4:48 pm

    I love this so much chendrick lamar

    Reply