When my kids ask me when I became a man, I will tell them about the Waka Flocka Flame concert I attended last Thursday night.
The first few hours were dreadful, but definitely memorable. The concert started at 9 p.m. at Boulevard 217, which really meant 10 p.m., which really meant 3 a.m. the next Tuesday.
Until around 12:30 a.m., several “rappers” stood on the stage and presented what they call music. What it was really, however, was 10 dorky guys playing dubstep music on laptops that an 8-year-old kid could make with GarageBand and 20 minutes.
These guys were clown acts. After each song, they would repeatedly insist to follow them on Twitter (so basically what I do when I meet people). Then they would throw water everywhere, followed by promotional T-shirts.
If you haven’t been to Boulevard 217, just imagine rounding up every person you’ve met at 2 a.m. in Walmart and stuffing them into a Waffle House. I found a nice place towards the front left, but I soon learned that was a big mistake.
The center crowd was full of the craziest people I’ve ever seen in my life, besides Florida Georgia Line supporters. I’m not even sure these people had real names or real families. It was like they took every zombie from the Walking Dead and put them in one area. The mindless zombies were extraordinarily rude people, too. Not only did they spread every disease known to man by sharing water and rubbing all over everyone around them, but every 30 seconds, one or a couple would plow over masses of people with no regard of safety.
In the most dramatic instance, a guy with a rather large stature bounced off everyone like a bowling ball at full speed. He looked like a very angry rhinoceros, and eventually, he ran into the guy beside me while also nicking my right shoulder.
Not happy with this, the individual next to me decided to give rhinoceros guy a big shove, and before the wild animal could turn around, the individual quickly jumped out of eyesight. After scanning the room for a bit, rhinoceros guy finally locked eyes with me.
This might shock people, but I’m not particularly an MMA fighter. This person could totally take me. As he looked at me, I began to laugh at the irony of the situation. I was thinking, “Does this rhinoceros really think a guy like me would pick a fight with a safari animal like him?”
Taking the snicker in a bad way, the rhinoceros screamed something to the effect of, “I will kill you,” and proceeded to charge full speed at me.
I’ve never been more terrified in my life. I could already see the headline on the front page of The Battalion, “Sports editor murdered by rabid rhinoceros.”
It was then that I suddenly remembered all the skills I learned in Cub Scouts. There are two ways to prepare for a charging animal like this:
1. Call my mom and tell her I love her.
2. Tell her where I want to be buried.
Fortunately, several people saw the situation unfold, and they used all of their might to keep him back.
The concert dragged on, and I looked back every 2.2 seconds to make sure rhinoceros guy wasn’t up to something. Finally, Waka Flocka Flame came out in a Kevin Durant Oklahoma City Thunder jersey. I can’t think of anything more Waka Flocka Flame.
There were too many highlights from Waka’s night, so here’s the top eight:
1. When Waka Flocka Flame said, “I gotta take a piss” mid concert and actually left and made everyone wait.
2. When Waka Flocka Flame turned the last 45 minutes into a twerking competition.
3. When Waka Flocka Flame jumped into the crowd and started a mosh pit.
4. When Waka Flocka Flame let girls onto the stage and when a girl tried to take a selfie with him he took her phone.
5. When Waka Flocka Flame whipped his dreadlocks around.
6. When Waka Flocka Flame would randomly freestyle.
7. When Waka Flocka Flame sang my favorite song by him “50k.”
8. When Waka Flocka Flame looked at us with his big, brown, beautiful eyes.
I took personal offense when Waka didn’t allow me in the twerking competition. Still, Waka Flocka Flame is a magical creature that deserves to be appreciated.
When the grown-up 8-year-olds were having fun with their new GarageBand update, I initially turned my nose at the possibility of going crazy with the zombies. But, when Waka Flocka Flame came on, my whole world changed.
Waka Flocka Flame makes everyone disregard every social norm in the United States of America. I witnessed at least 20 percent of the males take their shirts off and mosh pits happening nearly every song.
At one point, I was shirtless, but I didn’t really care. By the end of the concert, I became one with the mindless zombies. When my kids come of age, I will tell them the story about how I became a rhinoceros man myself — and then ask them not to tell their mother.

Carter Karels is a journalism sophomore and sports editor for The Battalion.