Welcome to 2024, Ags! Clinging to the coattails of the new year are all those pesky resolutions. If you ask me, the whole idea is a load of hogwash.

I bet you have some resolutions, don’t you? Some cliche pledges that you’ve already forgotten about?

Let’s see … Did you vow to exercise? Eat out less? Study more? Maybe you promised to get through that ever-growing stack of unread books, or cut back on sweets?

Well. How’s that working out for you so far?

If you’ve made it all the way to this, the fourth week of January, I commend you. I’m also pretty confident that by the time school really kicks up in February any motivation to keep cooking your own meals or hitting the Rec every morning will have drained completely out.

And you know what? That’s OK. In my humble opinion, New Year’s resolutions are entirely overrated.

For that reason, I’ve curated a selection of my own New Year’s resolutions to share with the class. I know, I know. I just said they were overrated, and I stand by that. But I fully support composing absolutely goofy resolutions to get you through the coming year.

So, for example, you could say that you vow to love yourself as much as Lizzo loves herself — minus the whole indulging guilty pleasures by eating backup dancers part.

I also vow to stop procrastinating so mu- [note to self: finish that sentence later]. Also, improove my speling. Or maybe just make my grammar betterer.

Anyway. Overall, “new year, new me” is a damaging mindset. The only thing that’s changed is the calendar year, and it’s silly to expect that with the same responsibilities, time constraints and stressors as last year you can turn your life around by suddenly adding one more obligation to your schedule.

They have their place, of course; sometimes, all you need is a Gregorian kick in the rear to find that motivation.  The problem comes in later — when life gets busy and you inevitably miss a day or two of whatever it is you’re supposed to be improving.

Then, akin to losing a Duolingo streak, all your motivation dries up.

Generally speaking, New Year’s resolutions are good for one thing: pinpointing what you want to improve in your life. Once you have those, you can figure out how to take steps in the right direction.

Be realistic. Instead of just saying “exercise,” write out how much time exactly you want to spend at the gym. And, by the way, lowball it. You’ll thank me later.

For example, I pledge to make my bed at least once a week (and not only when I have people coming over).

Or, drink water instead of soda once a week. Cut out one energy drink per week unless you feel like you’re going to die otherwise. Call your folks every Sunday. Make an effort for your phone not to be the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning.

The key to actually keeping to these resolutions is making them attainable. And, by starting small, you can build them into real habits.

Or, if even that seems like too much, just keep on truckin’. You’re still alive; that’s an accomplishment in and of itself. After all, I don’t see why we always have to make the resolutions. Maybe it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Yeah, you know what? I’ve got some suggested resolutions for 2024 to take into consideration.

Once you’ve started one major political or religious war, finish it before starting another.

100% fewer Chinese spy balloons would be nice.

Less headlines that start with “Elon Musk.”

While we’re at it, I don’t want to hear about Taylor Swift anymore, either.

Fewer major Ohioan chemical spills.

COVID-19 is still happening? Why? Pick up a new hobby, preferably a less contagious one.

In short, make your resolutions work for you. If they’re not attainable or easy enough to do during midterms, odds are you won’t make it through July, let alone the whole year.

And if you do forget about them anyway, don’t sweat it. There’s always 2025. (Whoop).

Charis Adkins is an English junior and opinion columnist for The Battalion.