“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I need help. I’m skipping class, I can’t seem to find the energy to be productive and all I want to do is tan by the pool. I barely had the motivation to make this call. Please help!”

“Alright, we’re sending help. Just stay on the line.” 

This call was recorded and sent to me from the College Station Department to Prevent Senioritis, or CSDPS, for my professional evaluation. By day, I write for The Battalion. By night, I combat senior-specific viruses. I’m basically Batman. This phone call was made by Patient A, a 22-year-old female belonging to the College of [REDACTED]. 

My professional diagnosis of Patient A? Terminal senioritis. It’s year four — wait, I mean stage four — and the only cure? A degree. 

It’s official: We’ve entered senioritis season. So re-up on your shots — medical or alcoholic — keep up with your workload and remember to repeat your daily dose of “lock in,” because no second-semester senior is truly safe.

Since I found the energy to write this piece, it’s safe to say I haven’t succumbed to terminal senioritis yet, but I’m fearing for my GPA and my sanity. It’s infectious. One day I’m fighting for a parking spot in lot 100 and sitting in a full lecture hall and the next — I roll up to class with 10 minutes to spare, a front row parking spot and my choice of class seating arrangements. 

In pursuit of a cure, I consulted a top-notch doctor who specializes in combating the effects of early onset senioritis. 

“Senioritis is an illness that infects second-semester seniors and is caused by warm weather and impending graduation,” Dr. Degree, senioritis specialist and legitimate doctor, said. “The symptoms are usually associated with poor attendance and even poorer grades. The affected senior can usually be found laying in bed or, even worse, by the pool. If they’re poolside, they’re too far gone.” 

In Patient A’s case, Dr. Degree’s diagnosis matched mine. She is terminal and past help. She will be taken to hospice care, which just so happens to be a pool chair next to a cooler of White Claws and SPF 15 tanning lotion. God rest her GPA. 

“She cannot be helped,” Dr. Degree said. “It’s best to make her comfortable in her last few weeks as a college student.”

Patient B is a bit more of a challenge. No call was made to the CSDPS, but a tip was left by a group project member concerned for their upcoming presentation. 

Hi, my name is [REDACTED] and I’m worried about one of my group members. He hasn’t done any of his work for the project. He shows up to class but he seems totally checked out.” 

In the case of Patient B we have early symptoms of senioritis: glassy eyes, playing Minecraft during every lecture and uncompleted assignments. He is near the point of no return, but hope is not lost for him. 

“Patient B can be saved, but it won’t be easy,” Dr. Degree said. “He’ll have to lock in and stay on top of his work. My advice would be to avoid video games and Northgate for a week and do not, at all costs, skip class. He cannot be saved if he skips class.” 

As a CSDPS professional, it is my duty to report my findings to the public and spread awareness on how to prevent the spread of senioritis. I have studied 200 seniors in various states of academic decay, and my findings resulted in four tips to flatten the curve:

Tip One

Whatever you do, do not skip class. You don’t have the time or motivation to recover from it, no matter how strong-willed you think you are. It’s easy to reign in your will when you still have six months left of school, but impossible when it’s six weeks. 

Tip Two

Stay on top of your workload as much as possible so you don’t get overwhelmed and, in turn, your spirit crushed by busywork. Stamina is the name of the game, so remember: It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Tip Three

Give yourself a little leeway, but not too much. It’s healthy to spend some time with your friends blowing off steam or participating in a hobby when you need a break, but don’t slack off so much that you can’t recover. Balance is key. 

Tip Four

Don’t forget that you still need to make a C or higher to graduate. If you lose sight of the endgame — AKA your degree that you’ve devoted the last four years to earning — then you may have to spend an extra year submitting Packback posts and working on group projects. No second semester senior wants that. 

So keep your eyes on the prize, lock in and finish out your college career strong. If you feel weak, call the CSDPS 24/7 hotline, which is also technically the number for DoorDash. Both options will help you fend off the illness. Dr. Degree and I are rooting for you. 

Maddie McMurrough is an agricultural communications and journalism senior and opinion columnist for The Battalion.