“‘Twas the night before the Bearista cup drop, when all through the nation,

Many a wallet was opening, a new craze in gestation. 

Customers were queuing outside stores, all with great glee, 

In hopes that jolly ol’ Saint Starbucks would deliver to thee.

When the doors were opened, and in rushed the crowd, 

Stocks were emptied at the speed of sound. 

Not a bear was left lounging upon the cafe shelves, 

No register left unmanned by the genial Starbucks elves.

How quaint the striped straw, how stylish the green beanie! 

A hot commodity became of the prized glass teddy. 

With a boop-able nose and black pearls for eyes,

The cup’s overwhelming success was certainly no surprise.

And above the clamor of capitalist success, 

Posted on platforms and printed in the press, 

Extolled by the public for thou holy Starbucks to hear: 

‘Blessed be thy management, profitable be thy year!’”

Written by the debut poet Teddy Brew, and drawing inspiration from Clement-Clarke Moore’s magical lyricism, this award-winning poem expertly blends elements of nostalgic tall tales, dark roasts and handsome imagery — a combination not only evidently quite effective in rhetoric and on the dating scene, but also fittingly the ultimate trifecta for the perfect cup of coffee.

Cleverly titled “Branded for the Season,” Brew’s work is set to join the ranks of classic holiday stories the likes of Charles Dickens and O. Henry following its success at the 25th Bah Humbug Bestowals this past weekend. Commemorating the achievement that has placed Starbucks — the world’s leading coffeehouse chain — in the running to receive its 14th consecutive crowning at the 36th Perennial Problematic Awards later this month, the timing of its recognition is very apropos.

Held annually, this widely anticipated ceremony honors the multinational corporations and conglomerates that have succeeded in attaining the highest degree of controversy over the course of the corresponding qualification cycle. It routinely averages a viewership of over nine million eager dramamongers, with this year’s showing being estimated to witness a significant uptick of 14.6% due to the star-studded candidate selection spotlighting big names such as Boeing, Disney, TikTok, Shein and Nike.

To be considered for the award, nominees must have evoked outrage from a minimum 78% of the chronically online public sector for no less than three successive weeks, and must have monopolized at least 47% of the mainstream media headlines during this period.

Featured achievements that have historically been consistent crowd-pleasers within the public polls and high-performers among the esteemed judge panels include ethical labor concerns, political upheavals, assault and discrimination allegations, criminal investigations and fiscal fraud. 

Starbucks’ nomination this year marks the corporation’s first on grounds of its calculated marketing strategy and leveraging of patron culture. Some analysts are speculating this bold and unprecedented move could negatively impact the company’s chances of gaining traction with the conservative judges, as it deviates from the established pattern of decorating less polarizing controversies, such as the violation of human rights that garnered Starbucks extensive praise at last year’s 35th Perennial Problematic Awards.

Despite this incertitude, the global coffee roaster and retailer has surfaced as the fan-favorite nominee in the most recent round of polls, beating out its competitors by an average of 8%. It’s thus no small wonder that the deluging yuletide of public support has created ripples among its consumer base and further manifested itself in displays of ardent devotion, soaring appraisals and reverent emulation. 

Upon being approached for commentary, Grizz Lee, a representative of Brews, shared that the laureate has already cast its vote in support of its poetic prowess’s muse.

“The grizz-ly truth for the other contestants is that Starbucks is just a latte superior to them when it comes to brewing up a frenzy,” Lee asserted.

When queried on how they foresee a shock defeat affecting the ceremony’s future ratings and the committee’s standing as the canon of controversy acknowledgement, Lee voiced their concern for the potential repercussions of such a contingency. 

“Pardon my French roast, but sip does happen. Nonetheless, the world would be in dire need of a brewed awakening if a contender as minor as fatal negligence were to edge out an honest profit grab.”

A limited edition print of “Branded for the Season” will be available for purchase in select stores as of next week.

Maeva Elizabé is a neuroscience junior and chemistry minor and opinion writer for The Battalion.