Winter storms — not something we traditionally see in our favorite Texas-shaped waffle-iron state, but nonetheless a weather condition that occurs whenever it feels like it. If we’re lucky, we might even get a couple of days off from school and have the privilege of experiencing the momentous occasion that is the panic buying of toilet paper.
With the recent winter storm having affected a large portion of the United States and most of Texas, we got a small taste of what it’s like to live in the inhospitable half of our country — inhospitable in terms of weather, of course, which is definitely not a reflection of Yankee frostiness. For my Civil War history buffs out there, you might even describe it as being above the Mason-Dixon Line.
For a state that experiences some of the highest rates of natural disasters in the country, Texans consistently continue to make the absolute worst decisions when it comes to disaster preparation. Buying groceries, opening bathroom cabinets and fueling cars are rookie mistakes.
That’s where I step in: a finance student who still doesn’t know how to pay his taxes and calls his dad when having car troubles. Who better to receive winter storm survival advice from?
So bundle up, Texans; who knows when we will get our next snowstorm? Tomorrow, next week or even right now are all possibilities.
Knowing when a storm is coming can prove to be more beneficial than being prepared for it. That’s why you should delete all of your weather apps and download the most up-to-date version of the Cruz-Cancun distance tracker for your cellular device.
This nifty software application keeps you continuously updated on the approximate distance current U.S. Senator Ted Cruz is from the city of Cancun, Mexico. Instead of relying on the biased media — or, God forbid, The Battalion — to keep you updated on the weather, you can look to the best and brightest of our honorable U.S. Congressmen. Even the mention of extreme weather has our favorite snowbird ready for a nice beach vacation.
Make sure to also buy all of your food the day before the disaster begins. The so-called “smart shoppers” buy in advance — a blatantly amateur move, because this leaves the rest of the food for seasoned veterans like you. There’s no need to come into the store with a list of what you need. Act like this is your first time ever going shopping and loiter in every single aisle debating the best brand of bananas, bread and eggs.
The goal of a successful emergency food run is to buy every kind of food that you would never normally eat. A winter storm is the perfect opportunity to create that viral Japanese yogurt cheesecake and leave shelves bare by the time you leave H-E-B.
Picking your home base for these storms is very important. You might be stuck there for days, so choose wisely. For those who are single, I would recommend shacking up with your months-long situationship to maximize relational efficiency — and utility conservation, of course. Who has time to be cold when the 5-foot-4-inch man in Centuries has your heart?
As most adults know, aftercare is important. But so is de-winterizing following a snowstorm! Between defrosting your car and unwrapping that roll of duct tape from your exposed pipes, there is a lot to be done.
If you’re too busy for all that recovery work, just forget about it. Leave the snow and ice piled up on your vehicle and complete all those errands you’ve been dying to finish. Some drivers might say that ice being flung off your car at 80 mph is a road hazard, but it’s just their lack of defensive driving that’s causing those accidents.
As the snow melts and the frozen ground becomes mud, remember that there’s always someone to blame. The shadowy elites who are controlling the weather are the real enemy — definitely not the countless real organizations like ERCOT who actually control the electrical grids that somehow never seem to work.
Real Texans have been taught that if we show up, put in the hard work and pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, life will work out for us. How true this sentiment has proven to be is still a mystery to me, but it’s a nice one to believe in regardless. It turns out that what all Texans really need is a couple of snowflakes to turn us all into metaphorical snowflakes for a few days every year. Maybe if we’re lucky enough, an all-expenses-paid Cancun vacation sponsored by Cruz will be planned for the next snowstorm — group field trip!
Wyatt Pickering is a business honors and finance junior and opinion columnist for The Battalion.
