Note: This is satire. The quotes and events in this article are fictitious.
COLLEGE STATION — Texas baseball head coach Jim Schlossnagle has finally revealed his team’s deepest secret to the world.
After going 0-2 to the Aggies and then canceling the final games on Sunday, April 12, due to inclement weather, Schlossnagle was forced to explain why the Texas baseball team had lost so terribly in the first two games, only to pull out of College Station before facing the final.
“It certainly isn’t something we’d have chosen to do,” said Schlossnagle at the post-game conference. “But with the rain we simply had no choice.”
April 12 was the final day of family weekend in Aggieland. Friends, parents and distant relations who didn’t particularly care about their student but loved baseball gathered for a weekend of games against our rivals.
To no one’s surprise, the day was wet and rainy. Both previous games had been delayed, and Sunday’s game was no different. However, when 9 p.m. rolled around, the Aggies were set and ready to play.
The Longhorns, on the other hand, certainly weren’t. Why? ESPN reporters were determined to wrangle the truth from Texas’s head coach.
Journalists pressed Schlossnagle further, until he finally revealed his secret.
“The truth is that I’m the Wicked Witch of the West!” he yelled into the microphone. “All that water would have melted me into a puddle!”
His shocking reveal was met with disbelief by the panel, but he adamantly repeated his assertion that he was, in fact, the iconic green villain.
“Water is like acid to me,” he repeated. “To the whole team, honestly. They’re like the Winged Monkeys, and I am their fearless leader.”
Maybe not too fearless, given their aversion to water. Although fans were disappointed by the cancellation of the game, most players were simply left confused.
“I don’t know what happened, man,” said junior center fielder Caden Sorrell. “One minute they were chanting about how they were going to defy gravity or something, and the next they were running from Olsen Field with towels over their heads.”
Later, as the Longhorns hurriedly threw their gear haphazardly into cars, one journalist approached to ask how they handled perspiration. Freshman pitcher Sam Cozart reassured her that no one at Texas put in enough effort to actually sweat.
“Honestly, we haven’t really had issues with it,” he said, shrugging. “Though of course we never expected it to actually rain. It’s a tradition for us to hold space for the weather, so this turn of events was really a stab in the back.”
The fans filling the stands, especially the Aggies, were less surprised. “I should’ve known something was up when we scored a run and started blowing bubbles,” said psychology junior Rud Smith, who had managed to secure a ticket the day of the game. “Anyone in burnt orange started freaking out. A guy next to me actually started crying. Said something about being changed for good.”
At the end of the conference, A&M head coach Michael Earley reportedly approached Schlossnagle to give his condolences on the tragic loss for the Longhorns.
“When he left A&M all he said was how emotional and difficult it was,” Earley told a small press junket. “And yeah, I guess it would be emotional and difficult to lose by such a significant margin. I’ve got to give the guy props, I think he’s handling it really well.”
Witnesses later saw Schlossnagle being dragged away from the scene, screaming, “I’ll get you! And your little dog, too!”
We always knew Schlossnagle was obsessed with us — and Reveille — but no one could have guessed what his obsession truly meant.
At publishing time, the University of Texas has not yet made a statement regarding its baseball head coach’s shocking revelation, although rumors are circulating that Schlossnagle’s bravery has encouraged head football coach Steve Sarkisian to reveal his secrets … something to do with poison apples?
Marie Kneeland is an English honors freshman and opinion writer for The Battalion.
