On April 16, we walked into Sbisa Dining Hall, completely unaware of the tragedy that had occurred. We had no idea what an impact this loss would cause, no idea how empty Sbisa would feel from then on. Will we ever be able to move forward?
On the terrible aforementioned date, the Texas-shaped waffle iron, which is — sorry, was — one of the only redeeming qualities of Sbisa Dining Hall, was removed. There’s only one group of people despicable enough to be behind this: Californians. I expect they’re trying to kickstart Texas A&M’s “wokeness” arc.
Honestly, I never thought this day would come. I thought A&M was stronger than this. I thought our southern roots were capable of withstanding those Machiavellian modernists from the west. Apparently, I was mistaken.
These Ain’t-Texans — Texain’ts, if you will — come parading into our great state with their man buns, avocado toast and essential oils, and they try to tell us how to live our lives. They try to tell us that Texas isn’t the greatest nation in the world.
Well, they’re wrong. Texas is by far superior. And don’t get me wrong, California is a great place to live, if you’re an orange. They’ve ruined their portion of America, and now they’re trying to supplant ours!
As we all know, the key to appropriating any state lies in its waffle irons.
Frequenters of Sbisa are heartbroken by this tragic news.
“Every day I miss it more, my Texas state waffle iron,” philosophy freshman Jonathan Posadas said. “It was the only reason I really went to ‘Bisa … now I just go to have mediocre food shoved in my mouth. It gives me lots of time to think about what they took from us common folk.”
“From us common folk,” indeed. These Beau Brummell wannabes are trying to take the Texas out of Texas A&M!
If we let them get away with this, what’s next? Will we sit idly by as they put beans in our chili? Will we do nothing as they erect In-N-Out Burgers where Whataburgers should rightfully stand? Remain silent as they tear down H-E-B and put up Whole Foods and Ralphs?
If we’re not careful, in a few years, the whole university will be filled with Spicoli-esque Californiacs. They might try to legalize marija-wana!
This cannot stand.
“It’s about more than just a waffle maker. It’s about our identity being taken away,” history freshman Jerome Lednicky said. “Being a Texan doesn’t have to do with the color of your skin or your sexuality. It’s about being independent while still being able to count on your neighbor. It’s about having a code and living by it.”
If we allow Texain’ts to dictate our way of life, our code is in grave danger.
Many students share these fears, and several consider the waffle iron’s removal a sign of what’s to come. Aerospace engineering sophomore Megan Welsh regards the confiscation as a direct violation of A&M’s commitment to tradition.
“There’s a saying around here, ‘Old Army does it twice,’” Welsh said. “They’ve had the waffle makers for over two years, therefore [they are] a tradition.”
If we allow the confiscation of the waffle iron, which tradition will be next on the chopping block? Will we leave for the summer, naively secure under the false pretense of tradition and return to the “Hello Crew” welcoming us to campus?
Some students worry this “wokeness” trend will progress.
“First it’s the little things like our waffle makers, then bam! Next thing you know, they’ll be changing the whole name of the university,” general engineering freshman Hunter Cassidy said.
I’m inclined to agree — how long until we’re just A&M University? Or worse, America A&M University?
So, what can we do? Unfortunately, our opportunity to fly a tasteful rendition of the Gonzales flag has passed.
Will we ever be able to walk into Sbisa without seeing the empty space he left, or the counterfeits that dare to stand where he stood? No.
Will we ever get him back? Doubtful.
But, we can use his memory as motivation in the battle to keep the Texas in Texas A&M.
With this in mind, I have composed a piece that attempts to do justice to his memory:
Ode to Texas-shaped Waffle Maker
O Great Texas Iron,
Thou tragic victim of a curtailed life, severed,
Thy waffly beauty lost to us forever.
Can we endure this melancholy turn?
Though we now have lost thee,
Never shall we lose thy tasty memory.
Thy spongy-sweet batter, now bittersweet reverie,
A mere echo of thy symbolic authority.
Thou wast a southern ideal, a Texan paradigm.
A symbol of boots and hats, of Tejano,
Of oft-recalled and fallen Alamo.
Thy significance, thy waffles, now lost to time.
They issue these circular counterfeits; poor substitutes
For thy matchless Lone Star artistry.
In killing thee they kill our history,
Steal our patriotism, our happiness pursuit.
Yea, we shall remember thee, our ‘bisa-bred swan,
And thy departed beauty, unrivaled by bluebonnet.
We didn’t know how good we had it
Until, lo! Thou wast gone.
Don’t let his memory die. Next time you find yourself in Sbisa, pay a visit to the waffle counter. Say a few words. Maybe pour one out.
There will be more battles. The next time they try to take Texas from us, let us cry, “Remember the Texas Iron!” Let his memory lead us to victory!
Will you fight with us, or will you succumb to the west? In this world, you’re either a Texan or a Texain’t. Ask yourself: which are you?
Charis Adkins is an English freshman and opinion writer for The Battalion.