If you’ve been keeping up with The Battalion, you may have noticed an interesting article in last week’s issue entitled “Royal flush,” which ranked several men’s bathrooms on campus.

While entertaining, I don’t feel that the article accurately reflects current students’ interests.

For one, no one goes to a public bathroom — especially on a college campus — just for funsies. You’re not going to be taking a tour of Texas A&M’s best lavatories before you decide to attend this prestigious university. At least, I hope not.

With this in mind, I feel that it would be in students’ best interest not to know which bathrooms to flock to, but which ones to avoid.

And, secondly, The Battalion is a paper with varied readership. Contrary to popular belief — and bear with me, I know this is going to be hard to believe for some of you engineers out there — women can read too. As A&M’s official student newspaper, we should be providing valuable information like this to both sexes. It’s time we saw women’s side of things.

So, without further ado, I present to you A&M’s very worst ladies’ bathrooms, rated on a scale from “ew” to “I think I’ll hold it.”

Academic Building — Worst of the worst

Well, not really. The bathrooms themselves are actually pretty nice — very little foot traffic, usually smell decent, plenty of natural lighting. There’s a counterfeit “poo with a view” on the second floor, if you’re feeling adventurous, but it’s really just a sad look over the left side of Academic Plaza.

Despite this, I have to rank it as the worst because, when considering the view in the third floor men’s — and the more exciting, waist-high view on the second — I know what I’m missing out on.

Blocker — Just plain icky

As with most other things in Blocker, the bathrooms are poorly planned and barely maintained. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great bathroom — that is, if you enjoy sanitarium-inspired wall tiles and lighting that’s less consistent than that goddamn train horn. Honestly, I didn’t know “depressing” was a color, but they nailed it.

With Blocker, as with most high-traffic restrooms on this lovely campus, timing is key. The bathrooms are tolerable until about 11 a.m. — after that, those Taco Bell breakfast burritos start making a reappearance, and the stalls become all but uninhabitable. So keep an eye on the clock!

Heldenfels — You’ll be happier if you ‘HELD’ it

On the other end of the smell spectrum, there’s Heldenfels. If you’ve ever wondered which would win in a fight, toilet fumes versus formaldehyde, then this is the place for you. Surprisingly it’s a very close match, the unpleasantness from both contenders at a stalemate among the tiny stalls and water-stained sink stations.

This is somewhat to be expected, given that Heldenfelsis one of the primary lab buildings on campus, but suffice it to say that it still deserves to be avoided.

Animal Industries Engineering Building (AIEN) — Spookily smelly

The elevators aren’t the only thing haunted in AIEN. On the plus side, this bathroom is at least self-aware — after the first door, there’s a bit of a jaunt down a long, narrow hallway before you get to the second door that leads to the stalls. Really gives you time to wonder if you could just hold it or not.

When you do finally reach the stalls, the smell is best described as “dank” — and I don’t mean that as it refers to memes.

And speaking of the stalls, they really fulfill every student’s “I wish there was a stall small enough that I have to stand on the toilet in order to close the door” fantasy. At least you can work on your flexibility!

Memorial Student Center, Lower Level — Why?

As a whole, this bottom level restroom in the Memorial Student Center is relatively decent. Aside from the lunch and dinner rush hours, it’s relatively empty, and often cleaner than most.

However, the first stall in the women’s restroom is populated by the only female urinal I have ever seen.

Don’t get me wrong — it’s pretty cool, and the little plaque hanging behind it lets you learn a lot about the micturating habits of women in the 1800s.

But, when I walk into a restroom, it’s not to learn a fun historical fact. Bathrooms are usually kept to business, not pleasure — as they should be, in my opinion. It seems like every time I set foot in this lavatory, I find myself face to face with this historical visage.

Cool, yes, but unnecessary.

In short, there are several bathrooms on campus which it would behoove you to avoid.

If, for some insane reason, you actually are looking for the best bathrooms on campus, let me give you a little jingle to help you on your way: “When you have to take a shit, go where offices are close-knit.”

For obvious reasons, administration buildings and other locations with lots of offices have the nicest bathrooms. Places like Student Business Services and the Administration Building by the East Quad are your best bets.

It’s my hope that, somehow, this little guide will help you achieve a less smelly and more enjoyable tenure here at A&M.

Charis Adkins is an English sophomore and opinion columnist for The Battalion.