Welcome to 2025, Ags! It’s been a long time coming. A year, some might say.
Every new year, people who have no business doing so tend to go on record predicting what’s to come. Usually, these guesses are whiny and uncreative, like “global warming exacerbates” or “World War III begins.”
Boring! No one cares, just like no one cares which microcelebrity some random person on X thinks is going to get canceled. We want real, honest-to-Elko predictions that push the boundaries of 2025.
Well, now it’s my turn, and I intend to do it right. Happy New Year, Ags, and I hope y’all enjoy.
January 19: Luigi Mangione prison marriage, possibly to Diddy.
February 3: Chancellor John Sharp announced as new Commandant of the Corps of Cadets, to take over upon his retirement from the chancellor position. He couldn’t bear to get his fingers out of the Texas A&M pie after so many years of being in charge.
February 22: Hawk Tuah girl on Mark Welsh’s podcast, “At Ease.”
February 28: “Tornado Tom’s,” a new country-themed nightclub, opens just off Northgate.
March 3: Trump dies.
March 4: Trump comes back to life. No one says anything, and the nation continues as if nothing happened.
March 5: Trump tweets “Spoke to the Devil – GREAT GUY! Wants to Make America Great Again, AGAIN! A True Patriot. Says he has a special Place down there for Crooked Hillary and Laughing Kamala. Can’t wait to visit again!” and refuses to elaborate.
April 2: The Mugdown starts a podcast.
April 18: Waffle House announced to be built in College Station. I’m manifesting, OK? We can dream.
May 25: Skibidi Toilet movie directed by Michael Bay released. This one’s not even a prediction; it’s just true.
June 8: Inspired by the success of last year’s Mexico-Brazil soccer match, A&M brings competitive Turkish oil wrestling to Reed.
June 13: Aggie baseball runs it back. Omaha, here we come!
June 15: Weezer concert in Kyle Field.
June 25: Schloss takes Texas Longhorn baseball to the College World Series and quits a day later. Old Army does it twice, I guess?
July 17: Canon event. Not sure what yet, but everyone mark it in your calendars.
August 25: First use of online ticket pull system. It flops, predictably, just like registration does every year. Mass outrage from students, parents.
September 1: Following online ticket pull backlash, A&M returns to in-person ticket pull. The same problems as last season prevail, predictably. Mass outrage from students, parents.
September 13: Mike Elko spotted sans hat, prompts toupée scandal.
September 22: Two strikes down, A&M decides to try an in-person ticket pull with more accountability using a physical list. Return of the list eater. Mass outrage from students, parents.
September 29: The university throws up its hands and says fine, if you can’t handle this, we’ll just get rid of it. Texas A&M vs. Mississippi State marks beginning of A&M-Ticketmaster partnership. Mass outrage from students, parents.
October 11: Texas A&M Space Institute definitively proves the existence of aliens. Nation’s scientists in shambles.
October 12: Taylor Swift announces engagement to Travis Kelce. The betrothal quickly overshadows the alien discovery and everyone kind of forgets about extraterrestrials.
November 29: Rivalry game. I’m not gonna jinx it.
December 1: “Battered Aggie Syndrome” officially added to TAMU Disability Services’s list of disabilities. Help and accommodations offered to all those struggling.
December 9: Marcel Reed twink death.
Charis Adkins is an English senior and opinion editor for The Battalion.
