In a shocking turn of events, beloved mascot and First Lady of Aggieland Reveille X executed a cattle communication professor during a lecture where diversity in cattle herds was discussed. 

In a statement made by current Reveille handler Cory Cordet, “I think it was a shock to all of us when Reveille blew up my cattle comms professor. At least we don’t have to take that exam next Monday.” 

After blowing up the professor, Reveille went on her usual walk around campus and barked at any squirrels in her presence. 

This action comes months after Senate Bill 1012 — also known as the “Make Reveille Robotic Again” bill — came into effect. This bill forced Reveille to undergo augmentative surgery; she had a laser eye installed that immediately silences any person in academic spaces who discusses topics unapproved by the Board of Regents. The banned topics include discussions of DEI, gender, empathy or “being a nice person.” 

It’s unclear what the requirements for Reveille’s laser eye to be set off are, but it has many professors who have the privilege of having Reveille in class on the edge of their seats. 

When I spoke to forest psychology professor Leanne Leaf, she commented, “I used to hear horror stories about professors cancelling classes because Reveille would bark. Now, they’re scared because she can blow up our faces with a laser beam. It’s a shame that a university like A&M will choose to sic an attack dog on us instead of firing us for our beliefs like they used to.”

In addition to attacking professors who harbor this woke mind virus, Reveille is also trained to attack A&M students who have blue hair or look like they would live in Austin. She has been banned from attending any t.u. football games for fear that she would take out half of the Longhorns’ student section.

SB 1012 was championed by Texas State Rep. Brian Harrison (R-10), who wanted to make sure that professors on the A&M campus were being held accountable by the highest-ranking member of our university. When asked why that person should be a dog that bites her own tail, Harrison ran away and complained about news agencies on X for the next couple of hours. 

One positive result of installing a laser eye on Reveille is that she is no longer swarmed by students who want to take a photo with her. Many freshmen now say they consider living more important than a cute Instagram story. One Aggie even wrote an email to her representative stating, “I love Reveille, but I also love having a face. I just hope those priorities aren’t mutually exclusive anymore.”

It’s important to note that many former students are now calling on Reveille to step down from her position as A&M’s premier laser-eyed executor, calling her an “outdated DEI hire.” This is because Reveille is a disabled female who is taking this position away from dogs who are just as qualified to silence free speech on campus.

Harrison even exposed Reveille on his own X page by sharing a photo of her taking a nap in class during a lecture. He captioned this photo by saying, “While professors are indoctrinating our students with DEI terrorism, our female Dog Czar is sleeping on the job! A&M’s Board of Regents needs to replace Reveille right now with a competent MALE dog that knows how to do its job!”

It’s unclear what the Board of Regents’ decision about Reveille will be at the moment, but a meeting is scheduled to discuss this very important issue. Leaked documents suggest that United States Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem will be brought in to “dispose” of Reveille in an appropriate manner. 

How many more students will be subject to unregulated free speech in our classrooms while Reveille sleeps on the job? We students deserve a competent attack dog who will protect our right to be ignorant of societal issues and learn safely from academic terrorists.

Wyatt Pickering is a business honors and finance junior and opinion columnist for The Battalion.