Top-level Texas A&M officials added me to a Facebook group chat discussing plans before the attack on the University of Texas’ campus that occurred on March 15, 2025.
During this attack, t.u. mascot and beloved bovine Bevo was killed by an airstrike commanded by a group of Corps of Cadets members flying a stealth bomber jet.
President Mark A. Welsh III released a statement in the wake of the attack.
“It is unfortunate that Bevo had to pay the price for the sins of his Burnt Orange forefathers,” the statement reads. “However, as of March 15 darkness has been defeated and we have protected the rest of Texas from the moralless heathens that enroll at that godforsaken university.”
It is unclear why this highly-classified information was being discussed on such an unsecure platform, not to mention why I was added to the group. My grandma won’t even tell me the hot gossip at the nursing home over text, and she isn’t in charge of planning a war against a rival university.
Initially, I didn’t believe the group chat was even real. Between the excessive use of emojis that do not mean what these A&M officials think they mean and the random pictures of grown men in St. Patrick’s Day attire, most people would assume that it was a group chat for sad, lonely old men with receding hairlines.
But that’s when the group chat took a different — and, in my opinion, better — turn.
Lieutenant General Lloyd S. “Chip” Utterback ‘75, the Corps’ interim commandant, sent the following successive messages on March 15:
“Gentlemen and females, it is time for us to take back our place in Texas [Texas flag emoji] [bomb emoji] [bomb emoji].
“At 1600 hours, we will descend upon the University of Texas’ campus with the full force of the semi-trained Corps of Cadets and show those blue-haired hippies the true meaning of school spirit [gig ’em emoji] [gig ’em emoji]! We will mainly be targeting their beloved coffee shops with ground troops and have a special air division with Reveille as commander targeting Bevo [cooked steak emoji] [cooked steak emoji].
“I cannot wait for those soft-handed liberals’ shocked faces as they see what it truly means to be American [cry-laughing emoji] [eggplant emoji] [eggplant emoji].”
The conversation continued on the group chat, with multiple senior A&M leaders including their own updates and outdated memes.
Many t.u. students are now without their favorite iced matcha lattes and were forced to see their mascot voraciously consumed by Queen Rev in what can only be described as an act of “pure and malicious evil.”
I am proud of what our amazing university did that day. They had our best interest at heart by attacking those evil t-sips.
Many people might say that their use of a Facebook group chat to plan this attack was “irresponsible” and a breach of every security regulation. However, it’s totally OK for them to use this form of communication as long as they are not people we dislike, such as women running for president of the United States or members of an opposing political party.
People are so quick to judge nowadays, and we should give our leaders in office the benefit of the doubt. Who hasn’t leaked classified information to a journalist pertaining to top-secret war plans that might endanger citizens of the country you pledge to protect?
Wyatt Pickering is a business honors and finance sophomore and opinion writer for The Battalion.
