You’re either here because you already agree with me or because you had a visceral negative reaction to this headline. Either way, I promise you will leave this article satisfied.

I have one word for you: elves. I know, I know, that’s low-hanging fruit, but I need you all to hear me out.

There are only three classes of elves in this world: Christmas, Tolkien and Keebler. To simplify things, I’ve created this simple Venn diagram:

Allow me to explain. Galadriel gives gifts — Lembas bread, cloaks, her own hair, magical light condensed in a little vial, etc. — so she’s the intersection of Christmas and Tolkien. Mrs. Claus bakes, so she fits into the Christmas and Keebler section. Samwise also bakes, especially potatoes, and while he’s not technically an elf in Middle-Earth he embodies all their values. Will Ferrell is simultaneously a Christmas elf, has the height and charisma associated with Tolkien’s elves — I mean, he pulls Zooey Deschanel — and he cooks … spaghetti and syrup, at least.

You can hate me, but you can’t say I’m wrong.

Okay, fine, maybe you’re not convinced by elves alone. How about a white Christmas? There’s an inordinate amount of snow in the trilogy, not to mention how prevalent trees are in both the holiday and the plot.

Gift-giving is also central to the series. We’ve already covered Galadriel, and Sauron literally calls himself Annatar, Lord of Gifts. And the whole thing starts with the giving of the 12 rings.  What’s more Christmassy than gifting jewelry?

That’s not even mentioning all the Biblical allusions. For all ye unaware, Christmas is celebrated as the birth of Jesus Christ, and boy howdy was Tolkien religious.

The fellowship sets off on Dec. 25. Birth of Christ, birth of a new adventure, anyone? There are almost too many Jesus-like characters to count — Frodo bearing the One Ring like a cross, Gandalf dying and being rebirthed in a holy white hue, Aragorn being Aragorn.

Gandalf is pretty much Santa. The white beard, the gift-giving, the quasi-omnipotence. And, operating under that presumption, Saruman is basically mall Santa, which checks out.

One final note: We all know there are three classes of Christmas movies, those being Hallmark, “Die Hard” and “Home Alone.” I would put “The Lord of the Rings” solidly between “Die Hard” and “Home Alone” — there’s plenty of action to satisfy the John McClane angle, and then there’s the pint-sized-hero-taking-on-the-taller-bad-guys trope for both the hobbits and Kevin McCallister.

I hope I’ve convinced you to have a marathon during this winter break. You could even throw in “The Hobbit” as a warmup! It’s way less Christmassy than “The Lord of the Rings,” but it does feature an elf riding a reindeer, so I suppose that’s up to interpretation.

There’s no better time to curl up with hot cocoa, a blanket and the extended edition box set. So go get to it!  I can hear Cate Blanchett already …

Charis Adkins is an English senior and opinion editor for The Battalion.