Following the completely faultless success of both the “March to 3,000” and “25 by 25” initiatives, Texas A&M has announced yet another recruitment program — and this time, they’ve got a plan to succeed.
The brand-new 35 by 35 plan is their most thought-out student campaign yet. With it, the university seeks to reach 35 million engineering students and Corps members by 2035.
In one fell swoop, this new plan seeks to achieve what the two aforementioned historical initiatives tried to do separately.
March to 3,000 was designed for our beloved Corps of Cadets. As you might have guessed, the initiative was created to bolster the Corps’ population to 3,000 identical, buzzcut, clickety-clacking members. The 25 by 25 plan was similarly fashioned, but this time for engineers: 25,000 by 2025.
Shortly after announcing 25 by 25, A&M’s engineering department released a statement regarding the new plan.
“We don’t want students to worry, we don’t intend on needlessly spending your tuition funds on this initiative,” the statement reads. “So we’d like to make it clear that the plan does not include hiring a single additional academic advisor. What do advisors do, anyway? We don’t want to waste the money.”
In a separate statement released later that same day, A&M announced yet another renovation to Kyle Field, this one costing upwards of 20 million dollars.
Given the nature of these old plans, it’s clear A&M feels this way:
The 35 by 35 plan, announced today, further exemplifies their solidarity.
It’s designed with cadets and engineers in mind. Rather than trying to recruit even more ROTC kids for the Corps and top 10% students for engineering, A&M decided on a simpler plan.
It involves luring as many elementary-level tour groups to campus as possible. Then, it’s a simple matter of siccing Miss Rev on the lone, overworked teacher that accompanied them and corralling the future Aggies into the steam tunnels, which have already been fashioned into a sort of giant holding cell. In roughly twelve years, the university will be able to release this army of new cadets and engineers onto campus.
A&M anticipates reaching its goal of 35 million new cadets and engineers by 2035. Hence, you know, the name.
Charis Adkins is an English sophomore and opinion columnist for The Battalion.
Editor’s note: This article is satire and therefore the attributed quotes and facts within it are fictitious.