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The Student News Site of Texas A&M University - College Station

The Battalion

The Student News Site of Texas A&M University - College Station

The Battalion

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Satire: Nothing But Engineering Bill passes senate

Photo by Abbey Santoro

The John J. Koldus Building on Tuesday, Sept. 13, 2022.

“Honestly, I don’t understand why we have all these other colleges when we can focus all of our attention on the majors that matter the most,” College of Engineering Senator Clancy Iguodala said during the March 8 student senate meeting, arguing in favor of passing the Nothing But Engineering Bill.
The bill was sponsored by the entirety of the engineering caucus and urges the university to embrace its mechanical roots by discontinuing the instruction of any major vaguely resembling liberal arts.
“The 75th Session of the Texas A&M Student Senate demands the university to immediately instate the College of Engineering as the only college deserving of university funds,” the bill reads. “All other majors shall be ended and students transferred to t.u.”
The piece was inspired by multiple factors, such as President M. Katherine Banks’ desire to make the university more efficient and the implicit feeling of superiority radiating from every engineering student on campus. The Nothing But Engineering Bill voices what every frequent visitor to the Zachry Engineering Education Complex is already thinking:
“Why do we waste money on providing useless classes such as classical literature, constitutional studies and child development when we can code and make robots all day?”
Needing a simple majority of votes to pass, the bill was originally considered a long shot. However, supporters were surprised after non-engineering senators, such as political science sophomore senator Bryan Lindell, voiced their support for the bill.
“Every day I drive by Zachry and think, ‘Man, I would love to have some classes there,’” Lindell said. “If transferring to engineering means I won’t have to spend all my time in Blocker and Herrington, then that’s what I’ll do.”
College of Liberal Arts Senator Jane Lausten says the writing is on the wall.
“After the 25 by 25 initiative and the hodge-podge of majors thrown together into the Frankenstein experiment otherwise known as the College of Arts and Sciences, I am certain that the unforgiving march of engineering will continue,” Lausten said. “I might as well transfer now instead of waiting for the inevitable.”
According to the bill, non-engineering students will be relegated to that “other school in Austin,” which the bill describes as “a university uniquely capable of accepting so many liberal snowflakes who read obscure leftist marijuana-fueled literature such as Shakespeare.”
The bill passed two weeks ago, but nothing has happened because of the senate’s limited authority, and no one from the administration read the resolution until March 26, when a secretary accidentally noticed it on their website.
Ryan Lindner is a sophomore political science major and assistant opinion editor for The Battalion.
Editor’s note: This article is satire and therefore the attributed quotes and facts within it are fictitious.

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About the Contributor
Ryan Lindner
Ryan Lindner, Head Opinion Editor
Ryan Lindner is a political science senior from Hutto, Texas, minoring in history. Ryan joined The Battalion as an opinion columnist in June 2022  until he became the Assistant Opinion Editor for the Spring 2023 semester. Since July 2023, Ryan has been The Battalion's Head Opinion Editor. Ryan has covered a range of topics, from local politics and campus culture to national issues, such as school choice and drug policy. After graduation, Ryan hopes to pursue a master's degree in international affairs.
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