My favorite time of year is when my fellow students finally decide it’s socially acceptable to start skipping class. The parking lot gets emptier, the lines at Starbucks get shorter and I don’t have to wake up at 5:30 a.m. to get to my 8 a.m. class anymore.
So, I’m here to tell you it’s okay to start skipping class. Actually, it’s better if you start your academic decline early. I know you’d love to, but don’t procrastinate on this. Be a good bad student and live up to your degenerate potential.
You may be saying to yourself, “Maddie, I swear I’m a good student. I’m not going to skip class.” My rebuttal: I know you’re playing Dress to Impress while your professor is lecturing, so do us a favor and just do it at home.
Hit that snooze button, babe. You deserve more sleep. Girlbosses need their beauty rest after all. How are you supposed to beat the 9-year-old on Roblox who doesn’t understand the prompt without at least a good 12 hours of sleep?
Hear me out: You can get tutored from one of your nerdy friends, and so what if you fail a couple assignments? We all know you’re not really here for an education.
Pish posh, school is for nerds. Dead week was literally invented for you to have time to write emails begging for extra credit.
The professors think it’s cheeky and get a kick out of it. Trust me on that. They’re very forgiving, especially if you wait until the day before grades are due.
We are also getting closer to Halloweekend and some epic football matchups. Don’t waste your time on that ENGL 104 class. Who really needs to know about composition and rhetoric anyways? Reading is for chumps. Northgate and the ticket pull line are calling to you — will you answer?
The University of Texas versus A&M ticket pull line — ooooh ahhhh. The Backyard — ooooh ahhhh. Your friend Brad’s toga party — ahhhh.
Ahem, sorry, I had to clear my throat. Whispering in people’s ear makes my throat dry.
The Ttrruuces sum it up perfectly in their song “Bad Kids” — “so now you’ve got to learn how to be bad and get down with the cool crowd, honey.” Ditch class, and you heard them, start getting down with the cool crowd.
Don’t be like me, a nerd who attends class every day. How I have friends and a social life with such academic devotion, I have no clue. Hard-working students never come out on top.
Take it from me. Or, if not from me, take it from Bill Gates. He was a college dropout and he’s doing just fine. Heck, maybe consider dropping out entirely and tinkering in your parents’ garage. I hear that is the latest new trend for aspiring billionaires.
Our school is way too crowded for everyone to attend class. So, let your lame friends with no life besides school go to class and take notes. Then at 2 a.m. the night before your exam shoot them a text along the lines of, “Hey bestie, can you tutor me for the test tomorrow?”
They’ll love it. It’s a fool-proof plan. I always feel so flattered when I’m bum-rushed for tutoring.
Skipping class is addicting. All it takes is one bad Monday and you’ll be an addict for the rest of the semester. Do it. I know you want to.
Just a little taste — who’s going to watch all 20 seasons of “Grey’s Anatomy” sitting in your Netflix queue if you don’t? I bet your boyfriend is watching an episode without you as we speak. He’s got to know what happens with Meredith and McDreamy. It’s his guilty pleasure. Grab your backpack, get in your car and go catch him.
Bottom line, you can either live it up or study for your exams. When are you going to be this young and this hot again? Never. We live on a spinning rock in a black void. Everything is meaningless. So, skip class and leave the parking spots and on-campus Starbucks to the poor academic saps with no life. Like me.
To quote the Ttrruuces one last time: “The wrong crowd could be the right one for you.” So, seize the day, skip that class and find those bad kids that want to enable your favorite troublesome habits. Your college years will be so much more memorable if you can’t remember them at all.
Maddie McMurrough is an agricultural communications and journalism senior and opinion columnist for The Battalion.
