Welcome to 2024! If the past few years have been any indication, this one’s bound to be a doozy.

What does the new year have in store for Aggies? It’s impossible to know for certain, but I’ve done my best to pull together some of the most probable events based on both history and random chance.

Again, these are just a handful of the most likely, very realistic events that will play out in 2024. Happy New Year, everybody!

January 20: Texas A&M files for bankruptcy following the Jimbo buyout.

January 28: A&M announces a new “30 by 30” plan to matriculate more engineering students because everyone knows we don’t have enough of them crawling around already.

February 1: Students begin camping out for the U.T. game.

March 31: Brother Jed is reanimated and returns to campus with Sister Cindy to fight for the Lord.

May 14: A&M announces another multimillion-dollar renovation for Kyle Field. Coincidentally, Heldenfels collapses on the same day due to disrepair.

June 20: The Mugdown decides to start writing funny satire instead of what they’ve been doing.

July 3: Bitcoin skyrockets. 

July 5: A&M mints limited edition Revcoin. It’s a huge hit with Old Ags.

July 10: Jimbo mints contesting limited edition Jimbocoin. It’s a huge hit with frat guys.

July 11: Everyone briefly remembers that NFTs exist, then laughs.

July 13: Bitcoin crashes, to no one’s surprise. Revcoin and Jimbocoin both go under.

August 20: The College of Arts and Sciences is separated back into independent Colleges of Liberal Arts, Science and Geosciences. All is right in the world.

August 25: Kathy Banks infiltrates campus perimeters and usurps the presidency from Mark Welsh.

August 26: Kathy Banks reforms the College of Arts and Sciences out of spite.

August 31: The Fightin’ Texas Aggies beat the Notre Dame hunchbacks. Cheers and high fives all around and everyone tells Jimbo where he can stick it.

September 7: The Fightin’ Texas Aggies lose to McNeese, somehow managing only to score one point the whole game. Everyone begs Jimbo to take us back.

September 20: Mark Welsh finally locates and destroys Kathy Banks’ final Horcrux and regains presidency.

September 21: Kathy Banks is banished to the steam tunnels.

October 15: All of A&M is briefly consolidated into the College of Engineering and Other Stuff.

October 16: Following heavy backlash, all colleges are sorted back into their original classifications. The College of Arts and Sciences remains consolidated.

November 21: Excited to finally be relevant again, Bonfire burns twice as bright to usher in an Aggie win over U.T.

November 30: A&M beats U.T. in a record-breaking game! Oh, who are we kidding? They’re going to destroy us on our own turf.

December 1: There’s a sudden, inexplicable spike in the sale of longhorn meat in College Station. Also, the McRib makes a comeback.

December 31: Chancellor Sharp ascends to his final form.

There ya have it, Ags. Based on a patented mix of statistical analysis and things that were revealed to me in visions, these are the most likely events to transpire in 2024.

Charis Adkins is an English junior and opinion columnist for The Battalion.