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The Battalion

The Student News Site of Texas A&M University - College Station

The Battalion

The Student News Site of Texas A&M University - College Station

The Battalion

Junior P Emily Kennedy (11) winds up to pitch during Texas A&Ms game against Kentucky on April 7th, 2024 at Davis Diamond. (Jaime Rowe/The Battalion)
Took the Tide
April 15, 2024
Junior P Emily Kennedy (11) winds up to pitch during Texas A&Ms game against Kentucky on April 7th, 2024 at Davis Diamond. (Jaime Rowe/The Battalion)
Took the Tide
April 15, 2024
Junior G Wade Taylor IV (4) covers his face after a missed point during Texas A&Ms game against Arkansas on Feb. 20, 2024 at Reed Arena. (Jaime Rowe/The Battalion)
When it rains, it pours
February 24, 2024
Ali Camarillo (2) waiting to see if he got the out during Texas A&Ms game against UIW on Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2024 at Olsen Field. (Hannah Harrison/The Battalion)
Four for four
February 20, 2024
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Dr. Weston Porter (top left) and researchers from the breast cancer lab. (Photo courtesy of Dr. Weston Porter)
New A&M research initiative provides cutting-edge cancer treatments
J.M. Wise, News Reporter • April 8, 2024

It has been 20 months since Michelle Pozzi, Ph.D, of Texas A&M’s Biochemistry and Biophysics department was diagnosed with cancer. However,...

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Junior P Emily Kennedy (11) winds up to pitch during Texas A&Ms game against Kentucky on April 7th, 2024 at Davis Diamond. (Jaime Rowe/The Battalion)
Took the Tide
Kylie Stoner, Associate Sports Editor • April 15, 2024

After a close pitching battle in the beginning of the matchup, Texas A&M softball defeated 9-4 Alabama to take the series on Monday, April...

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Visitors attend Homegrown at Northgate, an annual farmers and artisan market on Sunday, April 16, 2024. (Samuel Falade/The Battalion)
Homegrown brings food trucks, local vendors, live music to Northgate
Nadia Abusaid, Life & Arts Writer • April 15, 2024

A cool breeze flows on a Sunday as people listen to the strums of a guitar and smooth vocals. People stroll past stands and food trucks, stopping...

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Guest contributor says students pose an unacceptable danger to local motorists. (Photo via Nile/Pixabay)
Letter to the editor: No-More-Student-Drivers
Trey Bass, Guest Contributor • April 15, 2024

Dear Editor,  I am writing to discuss the current state of our city and some glaring issues I have noticed being perpetrated on the innocent...

Opinion: Very realistic 2024 predictions

What does the new year have in store for us?
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Sophie Villarreal
(Graphic by Sophie Villarreal/The Battalion)

Welcome to 2024! If the past few years have been any indication, this one’s bound to be a doozy.

What does the new year have in store for Aggies? It’s impossible to know for certain, but I’ve done my best to pull together some of the most probable events based on both history and random chance.

Again, these are just a handful of the most likely, very realistic events that will play out in 2024. Happy New Year, everybody!

January 20: Texas A&M files for bankruptcy following the Jimbo buyout.

January 28: A&M announces a new “30 by 30” plan to matriculate more engineering students because everyone knows we don’t have enough of them crawling around already.

February 1: Students begin camping out for the U.T. game.

March 31: Brother Jed is reanimated and returns to campus with Sister Cindy to fight for the Lord.

May 14: A&M announces another multimillion-dollar renovation for Kyle Field. Coincidentally, Heldenfels collapses on the same day due to disrepair.

June 20: The Mugdown decides to start writing funny satire instead of what they’ve been doing.

July 3: Bitcoin skyrockets. 

July 5: A&M mints limited edition Revcoin. It’s a huge hit with Old Ags.

July 10: Jimbo mints contesting limited edition Jimbocoin. It’s a huge hit with frat guys.

July 11: Everyone briefly remembers that NFTs exist, then laughs.

July 13: Bitcoin crashes, to no one’s surprise. Revcoin and Jimbocoin both go under.

August 20: The College of Arts and Sciences is separated back into independent Colleges of Liberal Arts, Science and Geosciences. All is right in the world.

August 25: Kathy Banks infiltrates campus perimeters and usurps the presidency from Mark Welsh.

August 26: Kathy Banks reforms the College of Arts and Sciences out of spite.

August 31: The Fightin’ Texas Aggies beat the Notre Dame hunchbacks. Cheers and high fives all around and everyone tells Jimbo where he can stick it.

September 7: The Fightin’ Texas Aggies lose to McNeese, somehow managing only to score one point the whole game. Everyone begs Jimbo to take us back.

September 20: Mark Welsh finally locates and destroys Kathy Banks’ final Horcrux and regains presidency.

September 21: Kathy Banks is banished to the steam tunnels.

October 15: All of A&M is briefly consolidated into the College of Engineering and Other Stuff.

October 16: Following heavy backlash, all colleges are sorted back into their original classifications. The College of Arts and Sciences remains consolidated.

November 21: Excited to finally be relevant again, Bonfire burns twice as bright to usher in an Aggie win over U.T.

November 30: A&M beats U.T. in a record-breaking game! Oh, who are we kidding? They’re going to destroy us on our own turf.

December 1: There’s a sudden, inexplicable spike in the sale of longhorn meat in College Station. Also, the McRib makes a comeback.

December 31: Chancellor Sharp ascends to his final form.

There ya have it, Ags. Based on a patented mix of statistical analysis and things that were revealed to me in visions, these are the most likely events to transpire in 2024.

Charis Adkins is an English junior and opinion columnist for The Battalion.

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About the Contributors
Charis Adkins, Opinion Columnist
Sophie Villarreal, Community Engagement Manager
Howdy! My name is Sophie Villarreal, and I am the Community Engagement Manager for The Battalion! -- I'm sure you're thinking... "what the heck does that mean?" -- And that is completely valid. Basically, I help figure out how we are working with the community and with that, try to build on it. I use data analytics to track our progress online and on social media to help us connect with you, our incredible audience even more. I am a Telecommunication Media Studies Major with two minors in Journalism and Philosophy, as well as two certificates in Social Media and Pre-Law. If you would like to see more on what it means to be part of The Battalion, check out our Instagram!
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    HayleyApr 4, 2024 at 1:28 pm

    Comedic genius omg

    Reply