The Student News Site of Texas A&M University - College Station

The Battalion

The Student News Site of Texas A&M University - College Station

The Battalion

The Student News Site of Texas A&M University - College Station

The Battalion

Texas A&M University System Chancellor John Sharp attends the Class of 1972 50-year reunion in Kyle Field on April 20, 2022.
A&M System’s Title IX director suspended after supporting Biden's Title IX changes
Nicholas Gutteridge, Managing Editor • May 23, 2024
Texas A&M starting pitcher/relief pitcher Emiley Kennedy (11) hands the ball to starting pitcher/relief pitcher Brooke Vestal (19) during Texas A&M’s game against Texas at the Austin Super Regional at Red and Charline McCombs Field in Austin, Texas, on Saturday, May 25, 2024. (CJ Smith/The Battalion)
Aggies’ comeback falls short in 9-8 loss to Longhorns
Luke White, Sports Editor • May 25, 2024

As the fifth inning drew to a close in Texas A&M softball’s Super Regional matchup with No. 1 Texas on Saturday, the Aggies found themselves...

Texas A&M utility Gavin Grahovac (9) throws the ball during A&Ms game against Georgia on Friday, April 26, 2024, at Olsen Field. (CJ Smith/The Battalion)
Southern slugfest
May 23, 2024
Beekeeper Shelby Dittman scoops bees back into their hive during a visit on Friday, April 5, 2024. (Kyle Heise/The Battalion)
Bee-hind the scenes
Shalina Sabih, Sports Writer • May 1, 2024

The speakers turn on. Static clicks. And a voice reads “Your starting lineup for the Texas A&M Aggies is …” Spectators hear that...

Kennedy White, 19, sits for a portrait in the sweats she wore the night of her alleged assault inside the Y.M.C.A building that holds Texas A&M’s Title IX offices in College Station, Texas on Feb. 16, 2024 (Ishika Samant/The Battalion).
'I was terrified'
April 25, 2024
Scenes from 74
Scenes from '74
April 25, 2024
Farewell from the graduating Battalion staff of 2024
Farewell from the graduating Battalion staff of 2024
The Battalion May 4, 2024

Opinion: Very realistic 2024 predictions

What does the new year have in store for us?
Sophie Villarreal
(Graphic by Sophie Villarreal/The Battalion)

Welcome to 2024! If the past few years have been any indication, this one’s bound to be a doozy.

What does the new year have in store for Aggies? It’s impossible to know for certain, but I’ve done my best to pull together some of the most probable events based on both history and random chance.

Again, these are just a handful of the most likely, very realistic events that will play out in 2024. Happy New Year, everybody!

January 20: Texas A&M files for bankruptcy following the Jimbo buyout.

January 28: A&M announces a new “30 by 30” plan to matriculate more engineering students because everyone knows we don’t have enough of them crawling around already.

February 1: Students begin camping out for the U.T. game.

March 31: Brother Jed is reanimated and returns to campus with Sister Cindy to fight for the Lord.

May 14: A&M announces another multimillion-dollar renovation for Kyle Field. Coincidentally, Heldenfels collapses on the same day due to disrepair.

June 20: The Mugdown decides to start writing funny satire instead of what they’ve been doing.

July 3: Bitcoin skyrockets. 

July 5: A&M mints limited edition Revcoin. It’s a huge hit with Old Ags.

July 10: Jimbo mints contesting limited edition Jimbocoin. It’s a huge hit with frat guys.

July 11: Everyone briefly remembers that NFTs exist, then laughs.

July 13: Bitcoin crashes, to no one’s surprise. Revcoin and Jimbocoin both go under.

August 20: The College of Arts and Sciences is separated back into independent Colleges of Liberal Arts, Science and Geosciences. All is right in the world.

August 25: Kathy Banks infiltrates campus perimeters and usurps the presidency from Mark Welsh.

August 26: Kathy Banks reforms the College of Arts and Sciences out of spite.

August 31: The Fightin’ Texas Aggies beat the Notre Dame hunchbacks. Cheers and high fives all around and everyone tells Jimbo where he can stick it.

September 7: The Fightin’ Texas Aggies lose to McNeese, somehow managing only to score one point the whole game. Everyone begs Jimbo to take us back.

September 20: Mark Welsh finally locates and destroys Kathy Banks’ final Horcrux and regains presidency.

September 21: Kathy Banks is banished to the steam tunnels.

October 15: All of A&M is briefly consolidated into the College of Engineering and Other Stuff.

October 16: Following heavy backlash, all colleges are sorted back into their original classifications. The College of Arts and Sciences remains consolidated.

November 21: Excited to finally be relevant again, Bonfire burns twice as bright to usher in an Aggie win over U.T.

November 30: A&M beats U.T. in a record-breaking game! Oh, who are we kidding? They’re going to destroy us on our own turf.

December 1: There’s a sudden, inexplicable spike in the sale of longhorn meat in College Station. Also, the McRib makes a comeback.

December 31: Chancellor Sharp ascends to his final form.

There ya have it, Ags. Based on a patented mix of statistical analysis and things that were revealed to me in visions, these are the most likely events to transpire in 2024.

Charis Adkins is an English junior and opinion columnist for The Battalion.

View Comments (1)
Donate to The Battalion

Your donation will support the student journalists of Texas A&M University - College Station. Your contribution will allow us to purchase equipment and cover our annual website hosting costs.

More to Discover
About the Contributors
Charis Adkins, Opinion Columnist
Sophie Villarreal
Sophie Villarreal, Community Engagement Manager
Howdy! My name is Sophie Villarreal, and I am the Community Engagement Manager for The Battalion! -- I'm sure you're thinking... "what the heck does that mean?" -- And that is completely valid. Basically, I help figure out how we are working with the community and with that, try to build on it. I use data analytics to track our progress online and on social media to help us connect with you, our incredible audience even more. I am a Telecommunication Media Studies Major with two minors in Journalism and Philosophy, as well as two certificates in Social Media and Pre-Law. If you would like to see more on what it means to be part of The Battalion, check out our Instagram!
Donate to The Battalion

Comments (1)

All The Battalion Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • H

    HayleyApr 4, 2024 at 1:28 pm

    Comedic genius omg